Mullet Proof

As part of my on-going training in "People are weird, for real 101" class, I've lately travelled to a few European cities for scientific purposes. I have been given the priceless opportunity to witness how, indeed, really really weird people are. Latest example to date: Madrid.

My scientific experimentation was conduced over a period of five days, with a neutral non-gay assistant. The main goal of that field trip was to assess how efficient gaydars were in an international context. And obviously, not to spoil the results of it all, my gaydar sucks in Spain ! To better understand the variables taken into consideration, here's a quick reminder of what usually triggers a normally shaped gaydar when looking -no, not drooling, fairly observing- a girl :

a. Clothing: the subject of lesbian clothing is so vast it is taught in a class of its own. Still, you can't go wrong with rainbow suspenders, AniDifranco/LeTigre/Heart and other Tegan & Sara shirts. The "I love girls" logo is a decent hint also.

b. Tattoes and body art: naked ladies on forearms, "Tinay Fey is my homegirl" inks, eyebrow barbells and 4 or 5 rings on each earlobe are usually good news.

c. Shoes: skateboard shoes, tevas, birkenstocks, motorcycle boots, men shoes and shabby sneakers will often be seen on lesbo-feet.

d. Attitude: there are several types of behavior that usually betray sapphicaly-inclined ladies. You will easily recognize the careless cool looking-very-Shane-today, the all-out femme with winks and smiles and obvious breast shaking at other girls, the nerd-geek-dork proudly sporting Buffy and L-word merchandising or the rubgy playing bull-dyke.

e. Girlfriend/Lady friends: kissing/groping/humping another girl and/or hanging out with a bunch of all-out dykes is a solid indication of gayness

f. Haircut: depending on the era, there are typical haircuts that gay women use to identify one another (the crew-cut, the Natalie-Portman bald head, the oily-died bangs and the mullet). Usually, "weird hairdo" pretty much equals gay, if validated by any of the above mentionned element.

During my time in Madrid, I fully appreciated the variations in the scope of lesbianittude. I was able to identify and confirm most of the above-mentionned assumptions, thus confirming my ability to spot gay women in international surroundings. However, there was a confusing piece of data that rendered my usually-trustworthy gaydar completely inane : The mullet. The ultimate capillary aberration.

I don't understand what it is with Spaniards and mullets. Guys wear 'em. Kids wear 'em. Granpas wear 'em. And girls do too... I am presumptuous enough to think that gay women usually have a decent sense of fashion (usually), but lovely Spanish girls proved me wrong. They obvioulsy have a peculiar fondness for dreadful haircuts. Really terrible ones. Shaved on the side, long and curly on the back. Or grease-monkey top over a shaved and died sides and back. Yeurk. Enough already. I still can't believe my eyes for the range of frightful mullets I've seen.

Scientifically flawed as I am, I tried to analyze the situation through hypothesis. I came up with the following:
1- I understand absolutely nothing that is remotely linked to fashion
2- Spanish girls have a genetic disease that induces uncontrollable mullet growth.
I believe these two hypothesis are so obviously accurate they need not be demonstrated. Girls, seriously, get over the damn mullet already! It's HIDIOUS ! The 80's were twenty years ago...Mullets are to be made fun of (see below, the Liz Feldman mullet)!

So ladies, for Slash' sake, grow some proper hair !