How to NOT get girls 101 - The motorcycle

So yes, I have been slighty slacky on the blogging activity lately. But I have a good excuse, I only have one functioning arm right now. Trust me, single-handed typing is a pretty depressing activity, and much less fun than an X-Files marathon. Anyways, being partially incapacitated has given me plenty of time to think (too much, some would say...). I came up with a brilliant idea. Since it's something I seem to be pretty good at, I am going to share my wisdom on how to successfully NOT get girls. Not as easy as you think, no ma'am !

The first installment of this educationnal sequence is dedicated to a usually girl-attracting item: teh mightay motorcycle. So bikes are supposed to be chick magnets, right? Well that assumption is horsecrap on wry with pickles. I tried and all I got was heartache, public humiliations and a few bruises.
HTNGG 101, here goes :

The look - Nobody actually looks like that on a motorcycle. Unless you're suicidal, you will have to purchase highly expensive gear (helmet, jacket, gloves and other various underwater diving equipment). And it's not sexy. Not at all. Picture yourself getting off the bike looking like a highly armed flesh-eating robot. That sight will not trigger hords of ladies into jumping all over you (except the psycho ones, whom you do NOT want). Riding wheels usually has you looking like a complete dork and moving with the flexibility of an epileptic tinman. Very useful to NOT get girls.

The freedom - Riders are rebels, John Fonda said so. Yeah, right. And my ass is chicken meat (Note: that is a litteral translation of my favorite french expression. Learn my friends, learn...). Owning wheels does not set free. It actually ties you down more than anything. Financially speaking. You've got to pay for the wheels (it's usually credit or performing sexual favors on hairy married women). You also have to pay for insurance, pay for repairs and other malfunctions, pay for gas, pay for tickets and pay for bikini girls to shampoo your bike. Wheels don't make you free at all. Just ask the Fort-Knox style shackle that ties my front wheel to the closest dog-pooh lampost...Wheels just make you broke. Also very useful to NOT get girls.

The grease-monkey factor - As many a dyke before you, you watched Bound over and over because Corky was pretty hot fixing that sink. You also think Chloe Sevigny was damn cute in that white tank top, riding, with Michelle Williams clinging onto her boobs (If these walls could talk 2). Right? My point exactly. Mechanics are sexy (lady mechanics, that goes without writing). Women in overalls casually wiping grease off their hands, droplets of sweat driping on the side of their face on a dirty tank top. See what I mean ? Well that's another bubble I hate to burst for you, but owning a motorcycle does not make you a T-Bird. Mostly, well, because you don't have the faintest clue on how to change a cylinder head gasket. Neither do I. So you're pretty much stuck with calling your ugly balding mechanic for help every time your bike doesn't start. Which normally occurs when a group of very good-looking, single, sane and smart girls is eagerly staring at you, desperately trying to start your engine. Ridicule. Very useful to NOT get girls. This would never happen to Pink...

What valuable lesson have we learned today? Wheels schmeels.
Better own roller-skates and break a leg. At least some cute nurse might take care of my injuries...
Next on HTNGG: Being a musician

Random, my random for a horse: Women in arms

As you are about to experience, I often digress for no apparent reason. Now, can someone actually digress from an inexistent topic ? I sure can. So without further ado, I give you: randomness ! I was dared no later than not yesterday but the day before, to discuss Battlestar Galactica (which I've actually never watched, I know, shame on me) on my blog.

[Note: I would like emphasize how "discussing" really means "writing to myself on a computer screen and putting up pretty pictures of pretty ladies instead of doing stuff that needs to be done, like, say, laundry"].

My daring friend was wondering whether doing push ups with your feet up was really harder than regular oh-so-easy push ups. The vital question was brought up by the sight of Katee "Starbuck" Sackhoff effortlessly lifting her body while resting her feet on a bed. Mmmmm bed. Sorry. Digression. Back to push ups.
Why bother experimenting painful, traumatizing moves , when you can ask a specialist? Katee Sackoff, is it better with your feet up ? (what? I'm talking about working out in a bed...)
Ok, Starbuck has left for coffee. Bwaaaahahhaha. No, really, she's just too busy boxing. Speaking of boxing, I seem to have Hilary Swank on the phone, willing to give her opinion on training. She says it's hard, but rewarding. Plus the result is pretty.
Where were we? Oh yeah, boxing. Other gloved push-up experts might want to jump into the discussion, like the foxy Girlfight - Michelle Rodriguez :
Boxing has never looked so hot. But I digress again.
Aaaaannd back to push-ups. In terms of physics, tractions are significantly harder than push ups. You have to use much more strength to counter a stronger gravity. Geek note - no help from any counteracting, opposite force coming from the feet up - End geek note. So tractions then.
In a cell? Alright. I give you Queen Linda Hamilton in T2.
Riiiiiiiight. She doesn't want to discuss tractions. Or anything but evil silvery schmeltzing robots from the future... Now I'm sure someone who's been in outer space, who can sport a machine gun like no other and resurrected a bunch of times does. Yes, Ellen Ripley ?
Nop. Not talking basketball, unless it's WNBA. Or Eva Longoria.

In the end, no one here to explain the difficulty of push ups with feet up ? Sad. I understand you not taking my word for it. So go easy on yourselves. If like me, you aim at wearing the sacred tank top decently, showing off perfectly outlined biceps, start with a little running. Like Jessica Biel.
I suddenly feel like working out...