However, my peculiar predicament has allowed me to discover the fantastic extent of lesbian generosity. And that of the straight ones too (I will not be deemed ungrateful, no, no, no). Being almost fully handicaped (What? Overstate? Me? Naaahh), many of a friend stood up for me, offering various services, help and a great diversity of liquor to help me cope with my situation. Out of sheer selflessness and friendship (I am here excluding the stalker who offered to massage my feet and other body parts daily), my friends have gone to great lengths to make me feel less miserable. Were I not so profoundly low-maintenance, independant and self-relying (and humble, too), I could have easily taken advantage of my poor-me situation. I could have asked them to fulfill a few of my fantasies, involving outfits, unrewarding chores and ambiguous positions. Like, say, some of the following...
Imagine, your own private nurse...Taking care of your every need, a nurse would pamper you, bathe you, and so on. Nurses are awesome because: they know ALL the drugs, they know how to tie you up in a bed, they are used to working long hours at night and because when you push the button, they come right away. Sorry, I know... And just because a nurse would now the answer to the following question.
I'm not into killing-inclined-Daryl-Hannah like nurses, but I'd hire this one in a heartbeat. Shirley, I think I need a full physical.
Now, I know that having a personal housekeeper, a cleaning lady, a maid, whatever you want to call it, will be my first move as a rich person (one day...when the financial bailout fiasco is over). Because I hate cleaning. Because I'm lazy. And because, well, remember Leisha Hailey in that outfit, somewhere in season 2 of the L Word ?(if anyone finds a decent pic, you know where to find me!)
Or that one (close enough, right?)
Of course, just when I thought things couldn't get any worse, well they did. It wasn't enough bad luck to be stuck with three limbs instead of four. [Note : Yes, I'm a girl. Therefore, I only have 4 permanently attached limbs. Most of the time.] No. My brand new woodfloors had to be ruined by a good flood. While I was admiring the high-heels-running technique of Gillian Anderson, out poured the water from underneath the kitchen sink. I immediatly issued an emergency call out to the Mario Bros in each and every one of my pals. Damn you, plastic plumbers, I knew I should have gone for the Polish one !
For now, my piping have been taken care of. Of course, no one was able to fix them the way Corky would have (at least wearing the same outfit). Alas, nobody's perfect... Here's to well-taken-care-of pipes.
I'll will not burden you with all the ungrateful tasks I've had my friends perform. Still, I'd like to send a big bucket of warm fuzziness to those who put up with my constant whining, cut my food and taught me how drunk-dance with one arm. Last but not least, I would like to thank my mother, my producer, my agent, my dog. Eeerrmm, no. Wrong speech. No. I meant I'll also be sending the goody bucket to those who saw past my not-so-well-hidden agony and kindly provided me with all-natural herbal painkillers.
Ladies and gents, I am forever indebted to you (or at least until I throw an incredible recovery party). Amazing, generous and funny, you know who you are, thank you.
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4 comments:
Sorry to hear you were rendered er, impotent, through playing in your PJs, but thanks for the eye-candy today, and yesterday's shot of Jen on a bike. Hmm...
Meanwhile, hope the arm, shoulder and er, whatever, get better soon. I hear there's a queue forming at your front door for services. :)
ok, this was pretty awesome. All I can say is milk that injury for all it's worth. And hey, though you may "think" you are incapable of having sex with two girls at once....never discount the generosity of strangers to a poor cripple.
I'll try to remember your words of wisdom. Girls? I'm a poooooor cripple. Heeeelp ? ;)
Generosity of strangers indeed! Think I might injure myself just incase!
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